apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
