you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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