someone threw a dead crab at me
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
