I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
