You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
