Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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