I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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