Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
