So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
