i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
