Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
