Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
