I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
