nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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