woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
