my mouth tastes like poor choices
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
