you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
We have so much sex to catch up on
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
