im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
