PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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