I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
YAS. BRING CRAB.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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