I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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