toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
