I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
