Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
It's blow job season.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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