I bet he comes in French.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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