Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Do vagina's smell?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
