Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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