she told me i tasted like america
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
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