i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
