Yo dont text me then not text me
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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