Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
