just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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