I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
