Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
