her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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