I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
