Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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