I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
