I wish life had little blips of pornography
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Randomize
