I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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