Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
