If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
A bitchslap is in order.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
