Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
