Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
