WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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