She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
