I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Randomize
