My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
