Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
