Heybabeimwearingurpanties
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
